Flaming Queen Alchemist
by Anasazi Darkmoon
Summary: No Real Pairings. Oneshot. Roy Mustang lost a bet against Havoc and Breda and now has to keep his part of the bargain. Boy, won't East City be surprised?


All right, this is the first attempt I've made at writing something exclusively in the FMA universe. It was born from a random conversation my friend, Shiruba Neko, and I had that made us both laugh! SN also betaed this for me, so I owe big props to her for that as well.

_I'm going to kill them when I get back!_ Roy Mustang swore to himself as he stumbled down the sidewalk in his ill-fitting shoes. His ankle twinged yet again as he twisted it in his efforts to remain upright while pushing his hair out of his eyes for the hundredth time. _I will make Havoc and Breda pay for this if it's the last thing I do!_

No one who saw the Flame Alchemist stalking down one of the many side streets of East City recognized him, but that most likely had to do with the fact that he was dressed in a rather embarrassing manner. The red sequins on his skimpy dress flashed brightly under the glow of the streetlights as he teetered dangerously on his wobbly four-inch heels, grabbing at the brassy blond wig as it slipped yet again. He let out a loud curse as he bent to retrieve the sparkly red bow that fell off the wig, not paying attention to the fact that several unsavory characters were staring interestedly at his butt. Replacing the bow and readjusting his tissue-stuffed bra, Mustang continued his trek down the street, cursing under his breath at both his comrades and the "admirers" watching his departure.

A few minutes later, which seemed like an eternity to the unfortunate State Alchemist, Roy came to a stop on the corner of 34th and Vine and hitched up one of his fishnet stockings as it slipped down his thigh. "Why am I even doing this?" he asked himself aloud. "I could just go back to HQ right now and they'd never even know that I didn't walk around the entire city in this ridiculous getup!"

He did not do that, however, since his pride refused to let him consider backing out on his deal for more than a moment. Suddenly, the sound of footsteps behind him caught his attention, and he whipped around, thinking it was a stalker. Unfortunately, the heel of his left shoe broke, sending him stumbling into the passerby. "Excuse me," a gruff male voice said, sounding slightly bewildered.

Roy looked up in surprise at the familiarity of the voice and felt his jaw fall open as he stared up at the familiar black sunglasses and X-shaped scar of the Ishbalan serial killer. He stared up at Scar, feeling a blush coming on, and finally, in a high-pitched voice, said, "Oh, I'm sorry! That was awfully clumsy of me!" _How the hell did Breda and Havoc know that I would actually run into Scar? I _really_ don't want to do this, but I guess there's no choice now!_

By now, Scar had walked on by, not recognizing the Flame Alchemist in his dress, but Roy quickly caught up to him and grabbed his arm. "What are you doing?" Scar demanded, now definitely unnerved by the "woman's" advances.

"Oh, don't go now!" Roy simpered, mentally kicking himself as he snuggled closer to the Ishbalan, "I love big, strong guys like you! You just make me feel so…safe…"

Scar turned redder and redder as Mustang continued to flirt with him, until his face came close to matching his eyes. "Uh…I…" he stammered, not really sure how to deal with his "assailant".

Suddenly, the loud sound of a camera clicking rang out through the still night air, and both Roy and Scar whipped around in the direction of the noise. Across the street in an alley stood Havoc and Breda, with one of Hughes' many cameras in hand and a huge grin plastered across both of their faces. "You make a convincing woman, sir," Havoc said as Breda snapped another picture.

Then both underlings collapsed into wild gales of laughter, as Mustang pulled his right shoe off and stalked across the road with a look of murder on his face. "You think this is funny?" he yelled as he snatched his wig off and threw it at them.

"Uh…Havoc? I think now would be a good time to run," Breda said, tucking the camera inside his jacket before bolting down the street.

"I'm right behind you!" his accomplice replied, running as fast as his legs would take him.

"GET BACK HERE!" Roy roared, brandishing his high heel shoe as he chased after them.

As the three dogs of the military vanished into the distance, Scar watched them go with wide eyes, highly disturbed by the whole ordeal. "I think I'll pretend that I didn't just see Roy Mustang walking around in a dress…" he muttered to himself, walking rapidly in the opposite direction as he attempted to scrub some of the makeup off his shirt.


End file.
